Monday, January 26, 2009

Friend of the Week - Kim Hamilton

Since Mondays are normally kind of crappy days, I have decided to dedicate each Monday blog to a different friend, hence the name “Friend of the Week”. I have decided to start this with a fellow blogger, Kimberly Marie Dial Hamilton.

Kim and I knew each other off and on throughout high school but really became good friends our senior year at Glendora. God put us in ALL 6 classes together. There was pretty much no way we could not have become close friends after that! We instantly recognized that we were kindred spirits and have never looked back! We have been roommates and our friendship has lasted despite the separation of miles throughout the years (note: SHE always was the one to move away, not me). There are so many nice things I could say about Kim. She is incredibly friendly. That is probably the first thing you notice about her. You want Kim at a party; she will make the rounds and make everyone feel comfortable. She has lived in many places and always manages to quickly make lasting friendships and connections with people. We have an intense connection, one that helped me to figure out she was pregnant before she wanted anyone to know! I love talking to Kim and the longer we go between having those one-on-one talks, the longer I feel that longing in my heart to be with her. Her perspective is always fresh and she has a way of making you consider things that you may not have on your own. Kim is also very hospitable. I have said that I have been welcomed by Kim at her various spots around the country for visits and that has translated to her in her current home. She has created her home to be not only beautiful but a place where you feel welcome and comfortable.

Kim is sincere and genuinely cares about people and what they are doing and feeling. She always remembers things and follows up with you. I have been so lucky as to watch Kim’s relationship with the Lord. I will never forget the night in my room at my parents’ home when Kim and I spent most of the evening discussing Jesus and Christianity. Kim has truly matured into a Godly, Christian woman. Kim is a great wife and Karl is lucky to have her! We are lucky to have Karl too and I am blessed by them as a couple continually.

Last year Kim became a mother. I know she was wondering how she would be as a mother and what the future held for her family. I knew all along that Kim would be a wonderful mother and that has only been verified since the birth of Gavin. Kim is an amazing mother and watching her go through this process and continue to mother Gavin is wonderful. She manages to beautifully balance between family, work and friendship. Gavin makes me so happy and knowing that he is an extension of Kim makes me love him even more! My arms are killing me today because I was playing with Gavin yesterday at church and lifting that adorable little boy up over and over. It was worth it to hear his little screams of delight and happy laughter!

I love you Kim! I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us and I look forward to our continued friendship!

Here is a picture of Kim and I at her wedding!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Men Folk

So, I had a very thought-provoking conversation with some fellow single women recently and I wanted to share some of the aspects of said conversation. I even discussed some of these things with our young adults pastor and he seemed to agree. Among other things, we really feel frustrated at how similar non-Christian men are to Christian men. What's the point of even dating only other Christians if they are going to do all the same things as their supposed opposites. Here are my frustrations:
  • They play games, doing things like saying they will call you and not doing it so that you will want them even more when they do call. This is a time-honored tactic honed by men throughout the ages. Damn us for falling for it!
  • They have little respect for physical boundaries. They are always trying to push the limits even further. It only gets harder to resist as you get older so there you have that! I know we are both supposed to be responsible for this but I just feel like it always is up to us to take ultimate responsibility for maintaining standards and it just isn't fair! Should Christian men not have more control? NOPE!
  • They do not let their yes be yes and their no be no as outlined in the Bible. You don't want to be with me? FINE! Then tell me and act that way. Don't hide behind the veil of friendship, taking advantage of my affections when it suits you and your needs. "Hooking up" and "Friends with benefits" has pervaded the Christian world and it sucks!
  • As soon as you try to walk away, they start trying to wheel you back in again. Go away! Don't tell me I am cute! Don't tell me how great I am! Shut it! You didn't want me before and the only reason you want me now is because you can't have me! Shouldn't Christian "men" have enough respect for their sisters in Christ to at least to do these things? Guess what? They DO NOT!
  • We aren't going to fall in love with you just because you ask us out on a date. We are sick and tired of always hanging out as friends or in groups. On the flip side, just because we talk to you doesn't mean we are in love with you either!

I hope it doesn't seem like I am man-hating, but let's be honest, I am a little right now!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

He's Just Not That Into You

I am super excited for this movie and love some of the quotes, they are so real yet we never seem to believe them! I personally can understand many of these given the events of the past year. Here are some, I have highlighted in pink my favorites:

Cut your losses and don't waste your time . Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, "Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!" But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.

He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We (men) like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do.

Don't let the "honeys" and the "babys" fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than "I'm just not that into you." Remember, actions speak louder than, "There's no cell reception where I am right now."

Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside.

He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I'm sorry to say ... as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you.

Beware of the word "friend". It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior. Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.

I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstarted to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.

You can't blame a guy for having feelings. You love someone, you break up, you still have feeling. Thank God for that really. But having feelings don't mean you have to have sex.

Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn't want to get married or doesn't believe in marriage, or has "issues" with marriage, will ... rest assured ... someday be married. It just will never be with you.

Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us. I understand. What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn't want you in his life anymore ... his sad, wistful, "I miss you so much" voice on the other end of the phone? It's validating. It's exciting. It's irresistible. But resist you must.

My friends all say I should stop talking to him, but I think he misses me, and I like that. I miss him. I feel if I stay in touch with him, it will remind him of how great I am, and eventually he will realize that we should be together again. A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.

Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

I was seeing a guy for about a month. He broke up with me, saying that he didn't feel like it could be something serious. I understood and took it well. He wanted to know if we could still hang out as friends. I said sure. Now we get together and go out and then come back to his place and have sex, just like we did before. (But now, we're "broken up.") He's really, really cute and I love having sex with him. I also think he must like me if he can't stop being around me. And I think it's kinda cool -- all pressure's off and we're having a great time together. I've decided that I think it's fine and I'm not going to call his attention for the fact that we're actually dating. Except for the fact that we broke up.

This guy is brilliant. He goes out with you, dates you, breaks up with you, then continues to sleep with you, which basically absolves him of all responsibility toward your feelings. After all, you're not going out anymore. It's genius! It's diabolical! He should be writing a book! In fact, I bet this guy could get his own little cult going if he wanted to. And let me guess, you'd be happy to sign up for that as well. For the record, this guy doesn't "like you so much that he can't stop being around you." Because here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: they don't break up with you. This guy is seriously not into you, it's crazy. The only way you're going to figure out how into you you are ... is how fast you get rid of him.

It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.

Hey girl. Put down the penis, put your clothes back on, and go directly to your best friend's house. Do not find an excuse to stay. Do not think that because of all the crazy hotness of it all, it now means that you're meant to be together. Yes, break up sex does seem like a good idea, because hey, it's nice to have sex with someone you have these dramatic feelings about. It makes it all, well, dramatic. But now you know. It confuses everything and makes you separate sex and emotions. So now you don't ever have to make that mistake again. Got it? He's into the very-bad-idea-that-masquerades-as-a-good-idea, breakup sex. Over and out.

Don't underestimate the power of sex, even with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time. Especially with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time. Breaking up means not seeing them again, which also implies not seeing them naked again. It might be tempting to forget this pearl of wisdom, but just remember, it's still called breakup sex. No one has yet to rename it oh-my-god-the-sex-was-so-good-we-got-back-together-again-and-lived-happily-ever-after sex.

He's sniffing for something better, and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes "home." It's not that he's so into you. It's that he's so not into being alone. Don't give him the chance to break up with you for the fourth time. (Even the idea of it sounds beneath you, doesn't it?) Reset your breakup maximum to one and move on.

Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

Don't confuse being classy with being a doormat. Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with all dignity. Being a doormat is offering to drive him to the dentist for his root canal.

Breakups, I've heard, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. You're not supposed to sleep with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago. Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on.

Breakup sex still means you're broken up.

Cut him off. Let him miss you.

He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.

There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. The part part is realizing that he was lying to you, in some way, before the moment of vanishing.

Don't give him the chance to reject you again.

No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.
Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.

Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Slumdog Millionaire

Just got back from seeing "Slumdog Millionaire" and it was fantastic! Promise me you wil go see it, what a wonderful and compelling story! I want to try and see all the big movies this year before the Academy Awards. I used to see a lot of different movies but lately I find that I only see romantic comedies or other megahits. I want to change that! I think next Wednesday I am going to try and go see "The Reader".

Good night!

Monday, January 12, 2009

50 and Fabulous

The following is a list of men over the age of 50 that I am oddly attracted to. I am not including the men that everyone finds attractive (Pierce Brosnan, Harrison Ford, Chris Noth, etc.) I have probably forgotten some, but here is the beginning. I am sure you will probably think I am crazy after you read this and analyze this.

  • Gary Oldman – I love him as Sirius Black and felt he was the best part of the most recent Batman movie.

  • Gabriel Byrne – Have you seen Little Women with Wynona Ryder? That is the movie that made me fall in love with him.

  • John Malkovich – He is so weird and odd but in a really good way.

  • James Gonlfini - However, I only like him as Tony Soprano.

  • Ian Mcshane – He is famous for being on Deadwood. He is just a bad ass and that is why I like him.

Friday, January 9, 2009

My List

Many years ago my youth pastor, Chuck Booher, taught us the importance of having a list of what we wanted in a spouse and even guided us in coming up with some of the foundation for that list. I hadn't really updated my list since college and given some of my recent "dating" experiences I thought I should redo and refocus. So I took the last 6 months or so to really think and pray about what kind of man God had for me. I have shared this with some of you, but it is below. I know it is a lot of stuff, but I really believe God has a man with all of this for me. One of the things I have noticed is how much my list has changed since I have gotten older, this is because I have grown and changed and also has a lot to do with me watching my friends and their marriages. I am blessed to have some really good examples around me. So, without further ado . . . . .

Absolutely Must Have
  • Strong Christian – Attends church, spiritual leader, holds me accountable, has a good reputation, worships outwardly, servant, prays with me and involved in ministry.
  • Stability – has a good career that he loves and is passionate about without sacrificing too much in his personal life. Financially stable. Hard worker. Has prepared for the future financially. Emotionally stable.
  • Sense of Humor – Sarcastic but fun-loving, likes things like The Office, Steven Colbert. He makes me laugh and vice versa.
  • Chemistry – I want us to have chemistry with each other and really love being together. Gives me butterflies and makes me feel crazy happy. Respectful of physical boundaries.
  • Physical Attributes – Must be at least taller than me and weigh more than I do. I would like him to have good personal hygiene and dress well. Smells good.
  • Adventurous – Enjoys new experiences and traveling to new places. Has already traveled to many places and has a passport. Likes to have fun. Thinks of ways to keep our relationship fresh and our marriage exciting. Willing to take our entire family on mission trips together.
  • Strong Family Values – Has good relationship with his own family and will make a good father. Sees himself as an equal in raising our children. Able to take care of our family on his own if needed. Must want to have at least 2 children and will also consider adopting from a foreign country.
  • Intelligent – Has at least a Bachelor’s degree and is just smart overall. Keeps up on current events.
  • Supportive – Finds my dreams and the dreams of our family just as important as his own. Cultivates positive characteristics in those around him. Supportive of me in my career choices and my ambition. Has an overall optimistic outlook on life. Never puts me down in front of others.
  • Independent – I still want him to have his own sense of self and parts of his life that are outside of our life together. He needs a good support system of strong Christian men. He supports me in the exact same thing.
  • Honest, trustworthy
  • Sociable – Enjoys meeting new people and can handle himself appropriately in new situations. Make other people feel at ease. Not socially retarded or awkward. People like being around him. My friends like him.
  • Hospitable – I want people to always feel comfortable around us and in our home. People know they are always welcome if they need a place to stay or hang out. Our home is a place where people know they can hang out, have parties, and drop by at anytime.
  • Even temperament – Not prone to anger or to fly off the handle. He still should be passionate about the things he cares about though.
  • Traditional - Completes what I see are “man jobs” including getting gas, taking complete responsibility for car maintenance/washing, taking trash out, knows how to fix things/install things/put things together, and completing yard work. In return I will take responsibility for things like laundry, most cleaning and cooking. I am open to having a housekeeper/gardener to complete many of these things. =)
  • Good communicator-Able to express his emotions. Words and feelings match actions.

Would Be Nice

  • Glasses –I realize he may not have these now but may at some point as we age.
  • Musician – They are just sexy. I don’t know why.
  • Athletic – At least enough that he can coach kids teams. There is also just something mannish about a man that likes football, golf, basketball, hockey, etc.
  • He doesn’t have to love Disneyland, Disney World and other theme parks but at least tolerate visiting them often or letting me visit them with my friends or our children.
  • Master’s Degree
  • Family that is local to Southern California
  • Good taste in music – Notice I didn’t say similar taste in music.
  • Spontaneous – Says random things and does random things.
  • Clean – Picks up after self.
  • Married parents
  • Homeowner
  • Has job where he does not have to work nights and weekends frequently.
  • Enjoys reading and discussing books.

Bloggin' on the One

Ok, I am jumping on the bandwagon and starting a blog too because I really enjoy reading others and think it would be fun. My first blog topic will be posted soon.